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  • Writer's pictureReno Stephens

I am because we are

In Africa, the community is always paramount and the individual is regarded as being of secondary importance. As the saying goes, it is a matter of "I am because we are". In Malawi, marriage brings two communities and families together in an engagement ceremony known as Chinkhoswe. It provides an opportunity for the parents, friends, relatives, and community members of the groom-to-be to meet their counterparts from the bride-to-be side. It is the biggest event (even more so than the wedding and reception), where hundreds of guests typically attend. In fact, the family members would be outnumbered by "outsiders" within the community by a wide margin. It is a massive party with food, dancing, and an exchange of gifts. At a standard Chinkhoswe, the tradition involves exchanging live chickens as part of the engagement rites. The groom’s family presents a ‘cock’ to the bride’s family and the bride a ‘hen’ to the groom’s family. The chickens are exchanged thus cementing the two families together as one. After the exchanging of the chickens, more dancing and showering of money to the happy couple occurs followed by the cutting in half and the sharing of a roast chicken. The chicken is shared between the two immediate families cementing the pair together as one. From here on out, if the bride has a problem with the groom she will go to his brother and he will work to help the couple solve the issue. On the other hand, if the groom has a problem with the bride, he will go to her brother for help in finding a resolution. Traditionally this would be the only ceremony and would seal the marriage, however, for religious and more modern purposes a wedding ceremony would proceed later on. In the eyes of many, the couple is married, as the blessing from both families has been granted, but they will typically not move in together until after the wedding ceremony.


In some cultures around the world, there is a practice in which a dowry payment (groom-price) is made from the bride's family to the groom. The payment usually involves money or property and is typically paid right before or at the time of the wedding. On the contrary, particularly in the north and parts of the south of Malawi, the groom's family must pay a lobola (bride-price) to the bride's family. It usually consists of cattle or even goats (although less common due to being less valuable), but nowadays can be taken up as a monetary payment as well. The payment must be delivered before the wedding can take place. The lobola demonstrates that the man getting married is capable of taking care of a family and also serves as a token of gratitude to the bride's family for raising a wonderful woman. How many cows you give isn't entirely determined by one's wealth, but also by one's educational level and virginity status (at least in the past), among other factors. For example, a virgin with a PhD would require a higher amount of livestock than an uneducated non-virgin. In the past for wedding gifts, guests would traditionally give household items and kitchenware for the new bride and groom's home, but a relatively new concept has been adopted in which small money bills over the course of the ceremony are gifted to the bride and groom in what is known as the perekani perekani. It isn't uncommon that you may also find some gifts such as a bag of maize flour, live chicken, or even small cows for the new couple. Of course, much of this matters on whether its a rural/urban and traditional/modern wedding in addition to a range of other factors.


A few months back, I had the honor and privilege of attending my first Malawian wedding for my colleague and friend, Davie Chalira. The wedding ceremony and reception were set in Blantyre, a major city in the southern region of Malawi. While the ceremony itself was reserved for immediate family and friends, I had the pleasure of attending the reception party in the afternoon. The venue was at a beautiful garden with pink themed colors on a bright sunny, Saturday afternoon.


This is where I regretted not wearing a suit



The bride's family and friends sat on one side of the garden and the groom's side sat across from them on the other side. The men were dressed in suits and dress clothes, while many of the women wore a mix of chitenjes (traditional wax cotton fabric) and pink dresses with the derby-style hats you'd typically seen worn at the Kentucky derby. The wedding party entered in groups by dancing to sound of the music.


Just look at those moves



After the parties took their seats at the center stage table, that is when the Malawian wedding tradition, perekani perekani, began. In a nutshell, it consists of dancing around the bride and groom while tossing money at them or into a basket. However, it goes on for however long the song lasts. The whole time you are expected to toss cash into the basket. The caveat is that you can be called up multiple times depending on your relation to the bride and groom and be expected to toss cash each time, which can add up. For example, the family of the bride, family of the groom, work colleagues, friends, and pretty much everyone in attendance was called up at least once by the MC. Before the perekani perekani begins, there is a cashier on site who you can exchange large bills for smaller notes, so that you have a large stash of bills to toss at the couple each time while not spending too much of your money. I was a bit caught off guard when I realized the perekani perekani would essentially be the main highlight and event for the entirety of the reception ceremony.


The perekani perekani


The guests were then served some sweets and chicken as well as sodas for a snack. Instead of serving a proper meal at the reception, the lunch meal is typically just amongst the immediate family following the conclusion of the wedding ceremony in the morning and right before the reception begins.


It took some time, but eventually the work colleagues of the groom were called up to partake in the perekani perekani. Of course my dance moves were next level, but unfortunately there is no video proof, so you'll just have to take my word for it. As we danced in a circle around the couple and basket, I really had to pace myself with how often I 'made it rain' with the cash flow based on the length of the song. Nonetheless, it was a really fun experience with loads of laughter, smiles, and happiness for the new married couple. The reception lasted about three hours or so, before the wedding party departed the staging area with a dance party afterwards and time to greet all the guests for pictures and conversation. While the reception was a great experience overall, next time I will have to attend the Chinkhoswe, where most of the traditional rituals and fun take place.


Making it rain



While in the past people generally did not marry outside of their ethnic groups, today marriages between people of different ethnicities from various regions are common and well accepted. In fact, Davie is from the southern region and his wife is from the northern region. Married people are generally afforded more respect than unmarried people, which is why marriage is considered a very important life event. Wherever you go, wedding customs truly shine light on the rich culture and uniqueness of a place. When you consider the fact that many traditions have been lost to our fast-paced modern lives, it’s nice to see that some deep-rooted cultural wedding rituals still exist. Maybe it’s because a wedding is all about bringing two people, two families together. Or maybe it’s the only occasion where whole communities gather to celebrate. Whatever the reason, a wedding is seen as an event where a couple who is about to celebrate their love also celebrates their heritage.


The work colleagues


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